


Going Over It All Again

by Bluehaven4220



Series: Benton Fraser and Kelly McShane: The Never Ending Why [3]
Category: due South
Genre: Ben receives a letter, Gen, Married Life, New Family, Partnership, Slice of Life, Things that should have been said but weren't said, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 19:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6579865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluehaven4220/pseuds/Bluehaven4220
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years after Fraser leaves Chicago and returns to Inuvik, he receives a letter from Ray Kowalski, saying everything Ray had never had a chance to say before Fraser left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Over It All Again

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been siting on my hard drive since January, and I wanted to get it posted for you all. 
> 
> All hail the brilliantly talented ButterflyGhost for the beta. 
> 
> Can be read as a companion to Make It Simple, Make It Quick.

Benton Fraser, RCMP, shut the door on his truck with more force than needed as he walked into the detachment and sat at his desk. It still felt odd, knowing that this was his desk and would be for the foreseeable future. He’d never actually had that feeling before, not even in Chicago when he slept in his office, and, truth be told, it was quite a welcome one. Although he still went out on patrol as often as possible with the sled dogs and was only in the office once or twice a month, he’d  recently decided it would be a good idea to put a few personal touches on his desk. In this case it was a photo of his new wife, Kelly, and his daughter, Rachel. When he’d resettled in Inuvik three years prior, Kelly had sought him out. They’d reconnected, and, less than six months after settling back into Northern life, Rachel had asked him if he would be her stepfather, because both she and her mother loved him and wanted him to stay forever. 

It didn’t take long for him to see that Kelly and Rachel were the best things that had ever happened to him, so he wasted no time in finding a ring. When he had asked Kelly to marry him, he also asked Rachel if he could adopt her, making her his daughter in all respects. Rachel had been thrilled at the idea, and had cried when Ben presented both of them with rings to wear.

He and Kelly had married quietly, not wanting to make a fuss. After all, they weren’t extravagant people, and Rachel was not keen on being a flower girl if she was going to have to wear a dress with an itchy collar and put a parka on over it. So, he and Kelly had gone to the courthouse in Yellowknife and gotten married, and changed both Kelly and Rachel’s last names from McShane to Fraser. The three of them had dinner together at a Yellowknife hotel and gone back to Inuvik a few days later. After that, they sent Rachel to stay with her friend Jessie overnight and had christened every room in the house, aside from Rachel’s bedroom of course.    

He sat down and went through the stack of mail that had accumulated on his desk overnight. It was mostly test results and an autopsy report, but a smaller envelope caught his eye. In the corner was a United States Mail stamp, and at the bottom left hand corner was a note saying PHOTOS- DO NOT BEND.

Brow furrowed, he opened his desk drawer and grabbed the letter opener he kept there. Once the letter was in his hand, he unfolded it.

_ October 15th _

_ Dear  _ ~~_ Ben _ ~~ _ Fraser, _

_ It feels real strange to write those words down, and I’m trying really hard to resist the urge to pick up this piece of paper and rip it into tiny shreds. And it’s damn tempting, believe me… _

_ October 25th _

_ It’s taken me an extra ten days to sit back down and attempt to write this out again, simply because I really don’t know what to say. How do you start a letter to someone you haven’t spoken to in over three years? And for what? I don’t actually know why we stopped speaking. Was it something we did or said while on the Quest? Something I did or said? _

_ Ah well, maybe it doesn’t matter now. I guess the whole reason I’m sitting here writing a whole lot of nonsense is because I don’t know how to get right to the issue at hand. It’s nothing bad, it’s simply that I want to talk to you, but I don’t know how. I want to tell you what’s been happening in the three years since you left Chicago, but how do I know I’m not wasting my time? You’ll probably never read this… _

_ But if you’re never gonna read this, what do I have to lose? I could write anything I want and it wouldn’t matter. Then again, I might as well just write and see what comes out. If I don’t like it, I’ll burn this letter and that’ll be that. No harm, no foul. _

_ Remember how you left just before Jenna had the baby? Just after I told you I was in love with you? I never did apologize for that. Maybe I should have, or maybe I didn’t need to. I really don’t know. Thanks for breaking my heart by the way, although I should have expected it. _

_ Sorry, that was a real asshole way to start off a letter. It’s not your fault I’m a switch hitter and you’re not. Fuck it, at least I told you and you know. Whatever. Maybe I should just tell you that Jenna did have the baby. You left in November, and my daughter was born in December. Right before New Year’s, actually. Anyway, her name is Melanie, she’s three now, although she’ll be quick to tell you she’s nearly four. She knows that her mommy and daddy love each other as friends, because that’s just how it is. Jenna and I spend every Christmas and birthday together, because God help us all if we try to keep Grandma (my mom) away from Melanie at birthdays and Christmas. _

_ Things are going good here, all things considered. I’m still at the 27th, since Vecchio retired and moved to Florida. At least now I can work under my own name, none of this pretending to be someone I’m not. I told them I wasn’t going to do any more undercover work, since I’m now a dad. I can’t risk Jenna and Melanie’s safety like that, especially when Melanie’s so young. God,  _ ~~_ Ben _ ~~ _ Fraser, she’s so smart. She can already sing the alphabet and count to 120 without missing any numbers, and she’s learning the periodic table. The periodic table! Geez, when I was three I was still learning how to brush my teeth properly. Her brains have to come from Jenna, because I’m definitely not that smart. Funny thing though, Melanie actually asked me the other day who you were (she saw the picture of you and me just after the Muldoon case), and I couldn’t tell her. It’s not easy to tell your daughter that you’re in love with someone she’s never likely to meet, especially since you haven’t been here in over three years. So I didn’t. I told her that you and I used to work together and were great friends but nothing more than that. _

_ I don’t think she believed me. _

_ Not that I blame her. Kids are very perceptive, I think that’s the word for it. Heh, see, she’s teaching me new words already. Anyway, she was the one who told me to write to you. Actually, that was Jenna, because she said that sometimes getting everything out on paper is much easier than trying to talk over a phone and a bad connection- Hell, I don’t even know if you have a phone, so I guess this is the next best thing. It’ll do. _

_ So, I guess I’m writing all this down because there’s nothing more we can really say to each other, is there? I told you what I thought you needed to hear, and what I needed to say, and you answered back the best way you knew how. It’s great that you love (or loved) me as a friend, but let me tell you, it still hurts worse than when Stella and me got divorced. With her, it was gradual. We broke each other’s hearts. You and me, well it’s pretty self explanatory, isn’t it? _

_ I guess that I always believed in the saying that ‘if you love something, set it free. If it’s yours, it’ll come back’. And I guess I might’ve thought that to be something I had a right to expect. I was wrong. I was so completely wrong  _ ~~_ of me _ ~~ _ to expect that you’d possibly return my feelings, and perhaps you were just ignoring them in hopes of protecting us both from getting hurt. _

_ Now it just sounds like I’m beating a dead horse, doesn’t it? It may be far too late to expect an answer, because after three years of no contact, I really shouldn’t expect much. I could get really angry at this piece of paper instead of you and rip it to shreds like the coward I am instead of actually sending it, but I won’t. _

_ I guess my mind’s made up, then. I’m going to stick this letter in an envelope and put a stamp on it and mail it to the Inuvik RCMP detachment (at least that’s where I think you might be). Either way, maybe it’ll get to you and if it does, hope all’s well and that you found whatever you were looking for. _

_ Best, _

_ Ray _

He refolded the letter and sat back in his chair, examining the photo that Ray had sent along. It was a posed Christmas photo of Ray, Jenna, and a blond haired, brown eyed girl he could assume was Melanie staring at the camera. Not knowing what else to do, Ben tapped the folded letter against his chin and put it away for the rest of the day, grabbing it just before he went home.

Once in the door, he kissed Rachel hello and went to stand behind his wife in the kitchen. He rested his chin on her shoulder and kissed her cheek, wrapping his arms around her torso.

“Hello husband,” she whispered as he kissed his way down her neck. “How was your day?”

“Rather alarming, to be quite honest,” he sighed as he stopped and held her tightly.

“Alarming?” Kelly turned in his arms and searched his face for answers. “Good Lord, Ben, you’re not hurt, are you?”

“No, no,” he reassured her, kissing her deeply, as though reassuring himself she was still there. Silently, he took Kelly’s hand, pulling her into their bedroom. Startled, Kelly sat down on the bed with him and squeezed his hands, moving to kneel in front of him.

“What’s the matter? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Ray wrote to me.”

“Ray Kowalski?” she put her hand under her husband’s chin and made him look at her. His expression had changed into the one he wore whenever he’d been standing sentry duty. Blank and unresponsive. “Please don’t scare me like that, I thought you were badly hurt!” she breathed a sigh of relief and pushed for more answers. “Why is that so bad? I thought you two were best friends.”

“Well yes, but I haven’t spoken to him in over three years.”

“A lot of people lose contact, you know,” she leaned forward and kissed Ben’s cheek. “And when they do write or call, sometimes out of the blue, they need something only you can give, whether it’s support or a letter. Don’t you think, after all you’ve been through, that he deserves a response?”

“I don’t know what to say to him,” Benton admitted. “Tell me what to do, Kelly. I don’t know what to do.”

This was the first time she’d ever heard him say that. The Benton Fraser she knew always had some sort of plan. “First of all,” Kelly took the letter from his hands and raised her eyebrows. “Can I read it?”

“If you like, although there may be something in there that might upset you.” Ben folded his hands in his lap and hung his head, feeling thoroughly ashamed.

Kelly’s brows furrowed, noticing the change in her husband’s body language. “Well, if anything does, I’ll write to him myself and demand he explain it.” The room was quiet as Kelly quickly read through Ray’s correspondence. “Ben, there’s nothing in here to upset me. You told me all about this when we first started dating.”

“Did I?”

“Yes you did,” Kelly reached forward and ran her knuckle down his cheek. “All I can see in here, from his writing, is that he’s hurting. He feels like there were things left unsaid and it’s been weighing on him for a while.”

“I don’t know how to fix it,” Benton murmured, casting his eyes down to the floor once again.

Kelly leaned forward and pulled her husband toward her, hugging him tightly. “Well, first thing that’s going to happen is this. I’m going to tuck you into bed, and you’re going to rest. You’re in shock and you need to sleep.”

He nodded, still staring at the floor.

“Then,” she whispered into his shoulder. “You’re going to  _ really  _ think about what you want to say. Think about it for a few days, and then write back to him.”

“What  _ should _ I say?”

“Whatever you want,” Kelly kissed his cheek, over the bridge of his nose, and finally on the mouth. She pushed him back onto the bed and pulled the blankets back. “You tell him whatever you want, whatever you think you need to tell him, and then wait.” She tucked the blankets around his body and kissed him again. “I’ll be waiting whenever you wake up.”

Ben sat up just enough to kiss Kelly again, his tongue running along her bottom lip, a promise of things to come later. “I love you, Kelly Fraser.”

“And I love you, Ben,” she brushed his bangs back out of his eyes.

A few hours later, when Rachel had gone to bed, he emerged from the bedroom to find Kelly at the kitchen table, warming her hands around a mug of tea.

“I put paper and a pen out for you,” she whispered, getting up just as he sat down. “And there’s stew on the stove if you’re hungry.” She poured the rest of her tea down the sink and rinsed out her mug. “I’ll be in the living room if you need me.”

“But…”

“This is a very personal thing that you need to write, Ben, and I don’t want to intrude on your privacy.”

“Kelly, you’re not intruding, you’re my wife.”

“Yes, and as your wife, I know when you need time alone to sort out your thoughts,” she reasoned. “Just put pen to paper and come find me when you’re done.”

He smiled and waited until she turned the corner before picking up the pen.

Sighing, he wrote two of the most difficult words he’d ever written in his life.

_ Dear Ray...  _


End file.
